Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Lara, I Love You

I woke up at 6 oclock in the morning, and I could remember my dream perfectly. It was more of a nightmare, actually. And truth be told, as childish as it may sound, it was the most traumatic thing i've ever "lived" through. As dreams go, it doesn't stick to reality, and jumps from scene to scene, not making much sense along the way.

I step onto a huge coach, except it's not a normal coach. It's about 3 times as wide, and full of students. I manage to find myself a seat next to a girl called Lauren.

We get up to go to the bathroom. We walk to the back of the bus, and end up on a street, even though we're still technically on the bus. This is the first of two images that I remember very clearly. Almost too clearly. Lara, a very dear friend, is standing there, in the middle of a dark street, looking as pale as a sheet, and as weak as physically possible before death. Blood is running down both her legs, but there's no wound. She's dying. She struggles to get one foot ahead of the other to take a step forward. It still seems so real. Lauren runs to get some help. I carry Lara in my arms and walk to the front of the bus. For some reason, my cousin Aly is the driver, and I tell him to go get his car, we need to get her to the hospital. He takes a look at Lara and rushes off the coach to get his parked car. I follow, still carrying my dying friend.

I spend the entire dream trying to find my cousin Aly, while Lara dies in my arms. As the dream develops, the journey becomes more and more difficult. i suddenly find myself having to cross a stone bridge, over dangerous water. There are waves crashing onto the bridge, while I attempt to get across. I'm scared. We're going to get washed away off the bridge. I hold Lara even tighter, and eventually, we make it over to the other side.

I'm suddenly sitting in the backseat of a car, but it's not Aly's, and we're not going to the hospital. Instead, I forget that Lara is dying in my lap, and get caught up in some kind of mindless conversation with someone sitting next to me.

I look down, and realise Lara is dead. That split-second moment of realisation is the second moment from the dream that I remember all too clearly. It's as if a big black heavy weight has come to rest in the pit of my stomach. I've never experienced anything like it. It's like a mixture of complete desperation, shock, regret and realisation all at once. And then the crying begins. It's uncontrollable and never-ending.

I wake up.

I spoke to Lara and Aly immediately after waking up. Simply re-telling this nightmare had me in floods of tears.

Lara, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I love you.


  1. That's so scary. Thankfully, everything is okay in reality. Dreams can be really, really messed up.

  2. Isn't it the creepiest thing on legs when you remember a nightmare so vividly that you're almost sure it happened? And you can't shake the leaden, hopeless, devastated or downright horrified feeling it gave you all day?

    What a chaotic and terrible dream! I'm not surprised it distressed you so. I have to say, I'm quite impressed with the way you told it (bluntly, almost impassively, but with the razor's edge of emotion hovering just below the surface and breaking through on occasion). And what an ending, swarming with pathos, like a physical punch to the gut.

    Well told. I think the "must've been something I ate" bullshit has nothing on you.

  3. Omg, I just almost started crying in lecture hall reading this. It sounds terrifying and haunting and like a black and white French noir film... well written! And I hope none of this EVER comes true. :)

  4. Lexa: Thank you for stopping by! I was about to say I hate dreams, but that would just be silly :)

    Postman: Thank you postiepost! To be honest, it wasn't a stroke of genius on my part, I just told it like I saw it... I will however take the compliment and offer it to my big fat ego.

    Jane: Bless your heart, thank you! I seriously did not imagine this post could get anyone almost crying in lecture hall! Thank you for passing by!

  5. I've had all sorts of dreams that were deeply emotional and meaningful - until I tried to explain them to someone, and suddenly the deep significance of the seagull and the banana seems to vanish into the ether...

  6. What a crazy dream!!!!!! I've been having dreams that I've been cheating on my husband who is deployed right now. But those dreams are steming because I have been spending ALOT of money shopping lately, and I feel like I am cheating on him because I haven't been telling him I'm spending the money. I should be putting it ALL in the savings...oops!

    I'm now a follower! You should check out my blog, Goodnight moon!

  7. Congrats girl! I've given you an award!

  8. I tried to get the meaning out of Benedict, unfortunately all I got was:

    "Sometimes dreams the dreams that seem so meaningful aren't at all but because of how real they are we are more terrified of them and look for an answer, and sometimes the dreams which seem so bland and insignificant (like Shivi stealing my DipDab, or presenting Top Gear with Ivan...) are actually the ones that mean to most."

    Useless I tell you, but we had a REALLY good chat yesterday, like PROPER GOOD, unfortunately I have to wait a week to find out about my insanity last night.


  9. I seem to abandon you in the dream when you need me the most. Dreams take you places that you would never go in real life. They also show you scenarios that will never be. This I assure you is one of them.x

  10. well being about me, this dream is not only a scary concept in itself but the way you tell it makes a very visually scary dream too!
    i have to say though, that Jade had a dream about me dying once too and rang me the next morning out of some sort of duty to check that reality was still reality and dreams were still dreams.

    but girl you know i love you! even though subconsciously (if that's what dreams are) you have some notion of disastrous things happening to me, i know now that you did you're best to save me!!!

    je t'aime meuf!!

    let's hope i never have to prove how much i love you by carring for you in a dream like this one!